Why I stopped going to church.

Note: Before I begin, I just want to say that I have had some good church-related experiences.  The photo above was taken in St. John's Cathedral of the Divine in New York City.  A wonderful experience.  I also have been lucky enough to visit several churches in Costa Rica where I truly felt moved.  Yet those experiences had nothing to do with any sermon or congregation and instead were the result of a much more intimate connection that I felt in those moments.

Also, the title of this post is a bit misleading.  I go to church every day.  I just no longer seek out spiritual sanctuary in buildings.

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I am not a "good girl" ... and I will not fake it.

I remember being 6 years old and arguing with my mom about going to church.  I didn't want to go, and I most definitely did not want to have to dress up for it.

"I don't want to wear a dress."
"You need to look nice -- you're going into God's house."  She tries again to hand me the dress and I fold my arms, stubborn as ever.
"No."
"Sara."  She sighs.  "Please just put the dress on so we can go."
I lean towards her, whispering as if afraid of being overheard.  "God is everywhere, right?"
"Yes."
"So he can see me right now?  He can see me all the time?"
"That's right.  He's with you all the time."
"Well then he knows how I dress everyday.  If I put on a special outfit to try to look all good and shiny, he'll know it's not really me.  I'll be lying to Him, pretending to be what I'm not."
She sighs again and sets the dress down, just looking at me.  Maybe I've won this one.
From down the hall comes my dad's voice, "What the hell is taking so long?"
I see the look on my mom's face and I quickly reach for the dress.
I wear it that day, but not for God.  I wear it to keep the peace.
I feel dishonest as I sit in church, hoping God will understand and forgive my deception.

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Fast forward a decade-plus to the present and not much has changed.  I still don't want to fake it.  Church is a building that could be something amazing if it was filled with the right people, the right energy.  I have yet to find that church though.  Instead, I find fashion hour and the gossip club.  Who's wearing what, who wasn't here last week, who looks hungover, who's having an affair or getting divorced... the sermon and the message becomes an inconvenient period of time between one conversation and the next.  I watch people balance their checkbooks and play with their phone or Blackberry.  I do a little experiment, trying to count how many people are even looking towards the front of the room and seem like they are paying attention.  The result depresses me.  Now here comes the message about fundraising.  They want to build a bigger and better church.  What is wrong with this one?  What else could we do with those funds?  (Good works, perhaps?!?)  I do not stick around afterwards to socialize and eat cake.  I flee through the side exit and find the nearest green space -- my real church.

I am tired of the mold that I will never fit.  Yes, I am pierced and tattooed.  Yes, I drink and I swear.  Yes, I drive too fast and I am not always the peacemaker that I wish to be.  No, I am not perfect (nor will I ever be, nor do I wish to be).  Yes, I have made some poor decisions in my life.  Yes, I am trying to learn from them and live in a better way.  Instead of seeking through large congregations, I am finding my way through more intimate connections.  Conversations with friends, small study groups.  Questioning together and sharing resources as we discover them.  We each make our own paths, helping one another but not attempting to control each other's directions.  Beliefs are meant to be lived every single day, not worn for a few hours a week for the sake of impressing those around us.

I can pretend to be a good girl in the eyes of people who should not be judging me in the first place, or I can live my life knowing the truth that is in my own heart -- what is more honest?
I can spit the truth like a fucking sailor, or I can bullshit my way through life with a silver tongue -- what is more honest?
I can dress up like a good girl and sit in church, or I can go dance at a rave in the pouring rain -- what is more honest?
And most importantly: where am I most likely to touch God?

I find God in my greatest moments of joy and happiness.  Digging in my garden, driving by the ocean, dancing at a concert, connecting with others... this is where I touch divinity.  This is where I know my mom was telling me the truth when she said "He's with you all the time."

I won't lie to God, or myself.  I won't seek in a stone building what I know exists all around me.
I carry my truth within me.  Inseparable.

The Kingdom of God is within you
and all about you,
not in mansions of wood and stone.
Split a piece of wood and I am there,
lift a stone and you will find me.