Hope by Emily Dickinson

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune--without the words,
And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chillest land,
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.

Blossom by Mary Oliver

In April
     the ponds
         open
          like black blossoms,
the moon
     swims in every one;
       there's fire
         everywhere: frogs shouting
their desire,
     their satisfaction. What
       we know: that time
         chops at us all like an iron
hoe, that death
     is a state of paralysis. What
        we long for: joy
         before death, nights
in the swale - everything else
     can wait but not
        this thrust
         from the root
of the body. What
     we know: we are more
        than blood - we are more
         than our hunger and yet
we belong
     to the moon and when the ponds
        open, when the burning
         begins the most
thoughtful among us dreams
     of hurrying down
         into the black petals
into the fire
into the night where time lies shattered,
into the body of another.

sometime during meditation this morning, i had one of those great "a ha!" epiphany sort of moments.  hours later i am still wearing it on my skin as a smile and a glow.  the realization was this: i am that girl.  i am that girl and there's nothing wrong with that -- in fact, it's great.  by "that girl" i mean the girl that everyone shakes their head at in disbelief because there she goes again, doing something crazy and ridiculous. and for what? love?!?

yeah i'm that girl.  and i always will be.  i'm that girl who gives her heart away, even to people who may not even want it in the first place.  i'm that girl who will drive across 3 states in the middle of the night simply because you say you need me, even though i have to be back at work in 8 hours.  i'm that girl who will skip her last college final because you've never seen a waterfall before and i don't think that's the sort of thing that can wait, diploma be damned.  i'm that girl who will let the whole world, or at least the whole bar, know how much i love you by dancing and singing on a pool table even while you are dying of embarassment.  i'm that girl whose friends know exactly what is going on when i get a phone call and i get that stupid grin on my face, look at them, and simply say "i have to go."  i'm that girl who thinks spending 3 days on a greyhound bus is just another part of the adventure if it means i arrive wherever you are.  i'm that girl who has maxed out credit cards solely on plane tickets and hotel rooms.  i'm that girl who writes love notes like they're going out of style and only sheer force of will can bring them back.  i'm that girl whose mom doesn't even know what to do anymore -- just shakes her head and tells me to "be careful, and call when you get there."

love isn't supposed to be easy.  what would be the point in that?  it's a maze and an adventure all rolled into one.  figuring out the "who" is only half the battle -- getting there is the real trick.  i would go to the ends of the earth if that's what it took.  and i realize too that i'm worth the same in return -- someday there will be someone out there willing to go the distance as well.

in short, i am a jackass for love and there's no such thing as too much, no distance that is too far.  i will revel in ridiculousness until the end of my days.

long live the jackasses.

lyrics

this song gives me hope that somewhere out there, there's someone who is as crazy and ridiculous as me.

(ps - i'm looking for you.  and no, i'll never stop.)

I work really hard and so I make it a point to play even harder.  Today was just one of those days that can only be described as "perfect."

Easy day at work (teacher work day) and I was out the door by 11:30!  When I get out of work, the first order of business is to crank the music up.  You have never seen anyone as happy as me when I am freshly released from the classroom and driving my favorite back road, music up and windows down.  I don't know how I don't get more speeding tickets because I have no control over my lead foot when I am that happy.

Ran home for a minute to change and then headed to the beach.  It was so beautiful  today.  I made a total cliche out of myself, sitting on my blanket eating the strawberries I bought from some vendor on the side of the road.  All that was missing was some hot guy to put sunscreen on my back hahaha.

Next stop was school but not before I decided to treat myself to flowers, because I'm worth 3 bucks =)  School was almost a disaster -- one of those dreams where you're in your underwear and forgot to do your homework.  In my hurry from the house, I forgot to grab clothes to change into.  So I had to go to math in my bikini.  Funny stuff.  Even funnier was the midterm that I didn't know about until two hours prior.  Luckily it was cake and I was out of there in less than 30 minutes.

Beach + flowers + math = great, great day.

Hope yours was awesome too!!

"I wear my scars like the rings of a pimp
I live life like the captain of a sinking ship.
The one thing that I can guarantee --
I'm like a stepping razor, I suggest you stay fair with me."
--Atmosphere

"Those who would give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety."
--Benjamin Franklin

The world is full of places I'm not supposed to go and things I'm not supposed to do because others have decided that it's not "safe."

Well I'm here to say: fuck that.  Seriously.

I will not live in fear.  I will not allow others to dictate where I will or won't go, what I will or won't do.  I will not stop helping others simply because doing so opens me up to risk.

I believe that sometimes circumstances require us to intervene on behalf of others who need assistance.  Yes, it is easier to walk on by and not get involved.  Yes, it certainly poses less of a risk for me.  But is it the right thing to do?  No.

Case in point: several years ago, I was walking across a parking lot and saw a young girl involved in a physical altercation with several adult men.  Without thinking, I made the decision to get involved.  The result of this?  The girl took off running and I took the worst beating of my life, losing consciousness two different times and I will carry physical reminders of that encounter for the rest of my days.  Will I change the way I act in the future though?  Should I have not stopped to help her?  If I could go back in time, I would do it all over again.  The fact that helping others opens us to being hurt ourselves is no excuse or justification for putting away our own compassion and integrity.  I wouldn't be able to look myself in the eye if I didn't stand up for what I believe in.

Every day I encounter this line that society has drawn in the sand -- a line between the things deemed "safe" for me to experience and the things deemed "not."  My friends and family are horrified when I talk about hitchiking or biking across the country, or even just going camping by myself for a weekend.  Yet why shouldn't I be able to do those things?  People even give me shit about the places I have lived.  Some referred to my last apartment as "ghettolicious" and I was confused because it was one of the nicer neighborhoods I had ever lived in.  Regardless of the city, I've always had more trouble with the cops that patrol my streets than any of my neighbors.

Should I not go to concerts in bad parts of town or walk down certain roads simply because I'm a woman?  Should I lock my car doors when stopped at certain intersections?  I love to go for walks at night but in this society we are supposed to be afraid of the dark and the supposed threats that lurk there.

Who wins if I change my behavior?  I'm the one who would be losing -- missing out on experiences that I wanted to have because I listened to the voices that said "it's not safe for you to go to _______."  I opt to run the risk and take a few knocks in exchange for living my life.

Have I paid a price for living this way?  Yes.  Undeniably.  My body is a testament to bad situations that I have gotten myself into -- and out of.  That doesn't change the fact that sometimes I flinch a little inside as a lover runs fingers over a battlefield that he doesn't even know is there.  I keep this to myself though -- why ruin the present with details about the past?  All that matters now is that I lived and I'm here for another day.  I would rather deal with some scars than be ashamed of myself for not living the way I know I should.

Am I reckless with my safety?  Perhaps on occasion.  I'm not a pushover though and if I endanger myself, I do so with full knowledge of that fact -- I am always aware of my surroundings and the situation I am walking into.  Years of sleeping with one eye open means that when I enter a room, I've mentally marked the exits before I have taken five steps.  I also have the means and willingness to defend myself and I do not hesitate to do so.  More than anything about me, one thing is true: I have a very strong will to live.  The world is going to have to bring it a lot harder than it already has if the idea is to put me down for good.

There's really not much else the world can throw at me that I haven't already dealt with and lived through.  There's a lot of freedom in that realization.  I am not one to back down from a confrontation, especially if it's for something important.  As the rappers would say: "If you're up for some stitches, then I'm down for some scars."  I have - and will again - spit blood for my friends, my family, and my beliefs (in that order).  Most importantly, I will live my life on my own terms.  I will walk my own path regardless of where it takes me and I will not tremble as I take those steps.

At the end of the day, who controls you?
Who or what do you allow to dictate your actions?
Do you walk where you wish, or do you stay inside their lines?

For your sake, I hope it's the former.

Please don't ever let the threat of death get in the way of living your life.

I decided my blog was overdue for some lighter content so.....  I love the b-boys and the hula hooper    =)




So you were born in an electrical storm, took a bite out the sun and saw your future in a machine built for two. Now your rays make me kind of go crazy, shock and awe and amaze me, just a ticker tape parade and me, but something was wrong till you tap danced on the air, in the night. Screaming at the top of your lungs, you said, "Come on, come on. Do what you want. What could go wrong? Oh come on come on come on, come on, do what you want. Oh come on come on. What could go wrong? Do do do do what you want." Come on.

Me, I was raised amid the trickle-down days. I woke up numb in the haze and saw my future in a machine built for two, but the light gave me some kind of fright. How did wrong get so right and lead me stumbling through the dark of night? Oh something was wrong, but you tap danced on the air, in the night, Screaming at the top of your lungs you said, "Come on, come on. Do what you want. What could go wrong? Oh come on come on come on, come on, do what you want. Oh come on come on. What could go wrong? Do do do do what you want." Come on.

Bonus:  OK Go - Get Over It

Perfect song for today: The Eels - I Need Some Sleep

You know what?  I've changed my mind about how my evening went and I've resolved to be happy.  Because even with all the bullshit and drama that happened last night (thanks, ex!!) it was still a fantastic night, and I didn't get in a single fist fight.  I mean, come on.  My night sucked until about 12, after which I ditched the people I was with and ditched the uncomfortable clothes I was in.  After that, everything was uphill.  I was out dancing in the clubs until 4 in the morning and then spilled out onto the beach to continue dancing around a bonfire with a bunch of other crazy souls.  Then I made my way farther down the shore to sit and watch the sun rise while I finished off a bottle of tequila.  After that I took myself out for breakfast and had some really good writing time and some even better pancakes.

How could I possibly have any complaints about that?   =)

Life's what we make it.


"There is a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in."   ~Leonard Cohen

lose my breath (dreams)

We'd been together seven years, never faltering
until I went to the doctor, came home,
packed my bags while you were still at work
and waited on the stair for your return.
I could see the heat in your face
as it drained out of your heart.
Cancer. Terminal. Three months, tops.
I told you to love someone new.
I didn't want you to see this,
the pain it would cause for you
to watch me
                       slip.
Walking away was the hardest thing
I had ever done. You were yelling,
barring my path, I kissed you once
and slid away.
Three weeks later and I appeared
as silently as I left.
You cursed my stubborness. I cursed
the stupidity of doctors.
I wasn't dying. I was pregnant.
It was hours before you stopped
kissing my belly, my eyelids,
                       my heart.

myspace.com/metermaids > > "love song"
"and this is all the shit i think about while i'm still awake"

Metermaids is Swell and DJ Spacecaboose, courtesy of Brooklyn, NY.  just found these guys and they're on repeat already.  the comparisons i could make between metermaids and atmosphere are just too obvious... so i won't even go there.  plus no one can ever replace atmosphere in my heart.  these guys are pretty okay though.

also check out "let it rain" & "don't sleep."

"there's a voice inside you
telling you exactly what you're missin'
and all i'm asking is that you listen to it, like
hey! don't go to sleep!
we can do anything you want
stay up with me"

I woke up on my own this morning in a big bed and tried to remember how I got there.  Don't get me wrong -- it's my bed -- I was just having a reflective moment.  I stretched around a bit underneath the sheets before jumping up to throw on dirty jeans and a tanktop and then headed for the kitchen.

Tea in hand, I find myself on the porch, sitting on a squeaky lawn chair.  The colors of the sky are just beginning to change and I watch their progress silently.  The fog and clouds from the night before have already gone out to sea and the horizon is clear.  For a while we are both quiet, He and I, as I roll black peach tea around in my mouth.  And then we finally get to talking, but not with words.

Practically overnight, something has slipped back into place in the machine and the gears are turning again, full speed ahead.  Focus has snuck up on me and renewed whispering in my ear, and I am smiling to hear the words.  I am recentered and realigned, ready to move forward.  And so I do.

Today will be an amazing day.  Because we can choose to make it so.

So I just went and saw The Peaceful Warrior (for free!!) and I have to say it was pretty good.  Though creepy as hell to be the ONLY person in the movie theater.  Weird.  An employee came in halfway through to check the thermostat and was like "Do you want some company?"  No thanks, dude!

Anyway, the movie was good, the acting was good, and the message was of course quite awesome.  I think for me though the most surprising thing was how excited it got me and the memories it stirred up.  It's so fresh now that I feel like I have to write it down.

It was a long time ago that I was first introduced to Dan Millman's books but I remember it like it was yesterday.  I was in my second year playing volleyball and my coach, Todd, was a former coach of Olympic figureskaters and volleyball players.  He was also getting a degree in sports medicine and worked as a trainer at the local college.

One night, just like any other, all of my teammates had left and my parents were late picking me up.  As usual, I was hanging out in the weight room with the football players trying to get in just a few more sets before I went home. Reggie was spotting me on the bench press but when I looked up again, Todd was standing in his place. He grabbed the bar back as I finished and helped me up.

"You've done enough for today -- I need to talk to you.  Let's take a walk."  He had two books in his hands.  He led me out of the weight room and back into the gym and we sat down on the bleachers.  "I'm worried about you."

I looked at him like he was crazy.  "Why?  I'm fine.  Is something wrong with my game? Something I need to work on? I can put the net back up and we can work on it right now."

"No, your game is fine.  Your game is great.  That's not what I meant."  He shifted like someone who was about to get to the point and was nervous about it.  "Look, I've coached a lot of different people in my life so when I say this, I mean it.  You're only 12 years old but you are one of the strongest, most focused, most intense individuals I have ever come across, both on and off the court."

I didn't know what else to say, so I just said "Thank you" and shuffled my feet.

"You're welcome.  But what I wanted to talk to you about is what you focus on.  You focus on too much at once.  I can see it in your eyes.  You watch every serve and I can see your brain working to come up with contingencies for every place that ball could go -- even when you're not in the back row.  You can't do everything.  There are 11 other people on that court and, believe it or not, 5 of them are actually on your team and are capable of doing their jobs.  You need to just worry about yours.  You need to focus on the present moment and commit to it fully rather than worrying about what's going to happen on the next point."

And then he handed me the books -- The Way of the Peaceful Warrior & The Inner Athlete.  "These books changed my life.  I think they can help you too.  Please read them and if you have any questions, I'm here."  Then he smiled at me.  "And maybe you could try to have a little more fun when you're out there, you always look so serious.  Also, I know it freaks out our opponents, but it freaks me out a little bit too -- please stop doing pushups anytime you're on the bench."

I read those books in two days and Todd was right, they changed my life.  I remembered how to breathe again finally.  I learned to let go and just play rather than analyzing every moment.  The court became my dance floor, where all the other stresses of my life fell away and I could just be.  I stopped beating myself up for every block I missed, stopped making  myself run miles for every missed serve.  Being out there actually became fun and it became a refuge.  The next season, Todd was gone and a new coach stepped into my life, but I'll never forget him for passing on such great wisdom.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I already ran three miles this morning but....  now I am all amped up with nowhere to go :)

Go see the movie if you get the chance (free this opening weekend!!).  It will at least leave you feeling invigorated again.

When you do things from your soul, you feel a river
moving in you, a joy.

When actions come from another section, the feeling
disappears.  Don't let

others lead you.  They may be blind or, worse, vultures.
Reach for the rope

of God.  And what is that?  Putting aside self-will.
Because of willfulness

people sit in jail, the trapped bird's wings are tied,
fish sizzle in the skillet.

The anger of police is willfulness.  You've seen a magistrate
inflict visible punishment.  Now

see the invisible.  If you could leave your selfishness, you
would see how you've

been torturing your soul.  We are born and live inside
black water in a well.

How could we know what an open field of sunlight is? Don't
insist on going where

you think you want to go.  Ask the way to the spring.  Your
living pieces will form

a harmony.  There is a moving palace that floats in the air
with balconies and clear

water flowing through, infinity everywhere, yet contained
under a single tent.