Life with the safety off

"I wear my scars like the rings of a pimp
I live life like the captain of a sinking ship.
The one thing that I can guarantee --
I'm like a stepping razor, I suggest you stay fair with me."
--Atmosphere

"Those who would give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety."
--Benjamin Franklin

The world is full of places I'm not supposed to go and things I'm not supposed to do because others have decided that it's not "safe."

Well I'm here to say: fuck that.  Seriously.

I will not live in fear.  I will not allow others to dictate where I will or won't go, what I will or won't do.  I will not stop helping others simply because doing so opens me up to risk.

I believe that sometimes circumstances require us to intervene on behalf of others who need assistance.  Yes, it is easier to walk on by and not get involved.  Yes, it certainly poses less of a risk for me.  But is it the right thing to do?  No.

Case in point: several years ago, I was walking across a parking lot and saw a young girl involved in a physical altercation with several adult men.  Without thinking, I made the decision to get involved.  The result of this?  The girl took off running and I took the worst beating of my life, losing consciousness two different times and I will carry physical reminders of that encounter for the rest of my days.  Will I change the way I act in the future though?  Should I have not stopped to help her?  If I could go back in time, I would do it all over again.  The fact that helping others opens us to being hurt ourselves is no excuse or justification for putting away our own compassion and integrity.  I wouldn't be able to look myself in the eye if I didn't stand up for what I believe in.

Every day I encounter this line that society has drawn in the sand -- a line between the things deemed "safe" for me to experience and the things deemed "not."  My friends and family are horrified when I talk about hitchiking or biking across the country, or even just going camping by myself for a weekend.  Yet why shouldn't I be able to do those things?  People even give me shit about the places I have lived.  Some referred to my last apartment as "ghettolicious" and I was confused because it was one of the nicer neighborhoods I had ever lived in.  Regardless of the city, I've always had more trouble with the cops that patrol my streets than any of my neighbors.

Should I not go to concerts in bad parts of town or walk down certain roads simply because I'm a woman?  Should I lock my car doors when stopped at certain intersections?  I love to go for walks at night but in this society we are supposed to be afraid of the dark and the supposed threats that lurk there.

Who wins if I change my behavior?  I'm the one who would be losing -- missing out on experiences that I wanted to have because I listened to the voices that said "it's not safe for you to go to _______."  I opt to run the risk and take a few knocks in exchange for living my life.

Have I paid a price for living this way?  Yes.  Undeniably.  My body is a testament to bad situations that I have gotten myself into -- and out of.  That doesn't change the fact that sometimes I flinch a little inside as a lover runs fingers over a battlefield that he doesn't even know is there.  I keep this to myself though -- why ruin the present with details about the past?  All that matters now is that I lived and I'm here for another day.  I would rather deal with some scars than be ashamed of myself for not living the way I know I should.

Am I reckless with my safety?  Perhaps on occasion.  I'm not a pushover though and if I endanger myself, I do so with full knowledge of that fact -- I am always aware of my surroundings and the situation I am walking into.  Years of sleeping with one eye open means that when I enter a room, I've mentally marked the exits before I have taken five steps.  I also have the means and willingness to defend myself and I do not hesitate to do so.  More than anything about me, one thing is true: I have a very strong will to live.  The world is going to have to bring it a lot harder than it already has if the idea is to put me down for good.

There's really not much else the world can throw at me that I haven't already dealt with and lived through.  There's a lot of freedom in that realization.  I am not one to back down from a confrontation, especially if it's for something important.  As the rappers would say: "If you're up for some stitches, then I'm down for some scars."  I have - and will again - spit blood for my friends, my family, and my beliefs (in that order).  Most importantly, I will live my life on my own terms.  I will walk my own path regardless of where it takes me and I will not tremble as I take those steps.

At the end of the day, who controls you?
Who or what do you allow to dictate your actions?
Do you walk where you wish, or do you stay inside their lines?

For your sake, I hope it's the former.

Please don't ever let the threat of death get in the way of living your life.