++ today is my 1/2 birthday! (i know, i'm weird.) many years ago i started my own tradition: half birthdays are celebrated with a milkshake. i'm driving an hour later today just to get a decent one but i don't care!
++ today is veronica's birthday! we have opposite birthdays, how cool is that?
- people going through my stuff
+ i have the house to myself for the next week and a half
+++++++ i am moving in five weeks
- still don't have a job lined up
+ but i am looking!
- reading stuff about certification requirements gave me a huge panic attack last night
+ for about ten minutes. and then... problem solved!
--- PRAXIS II exams. which, aside from being a huge pain, also cost $$$
- spring break is over -- back to the grind tomorrow
++ started packing for my move
- how am i going to pay for my move?  who knows
+ i put the "ok" in "broke"
- getting rid of books and comics and art supplies
++ less to pack and unpack and worry about
+++++++ I AM MOVING IN FIVE WEEKS!!!

There is a dream that I carry in my heart, both waking and sleeping.  It pushes me forward, gives me hope, lends me strength, and teaches me the value of patience.  It is a simple dream, as the most satisfying usually are, and it always begins the same way.



I am sitting on the steps of a wooden porch, looking out past the gardens to a large field that then turns into woods.  It is early.  It is quiet.  Sleep is still in my eyes and my hair is unbrushed.  From over my shoulder, a man hands me a mug of tea.  I do not break the silence to thank him, using my eyes and my smile instead, and he understands.  He sits down next to me with a mug of his own and we observe the dawn spreading out before us.  Some mornings he takes my hand in his, other times we are content to just rest shoulder-to-shoulder, seeing i-to-i as we greet the day.

My lover and partner is a man of integrity who matches me in quiet strength.  He is a man of prayer and intellect; a man of perseverance who dreams big without losing touch with the day-to-day.  We complement each other well, both in our similarities and in our differences.  We are a steadiness for each other but there is passion too.  He is diarin without even knowing it.

These early moments are where we touch base with one another before the start of a new day.  Our hours are busy ones and may or may not be spent working together, depending on the day, so this is where we check in.  We sit in silence and remember what we are working for and why.  We connect with each other through a simple touch and we connect with Divinity through the dawn and our own prayers.  Then it is time to rinse our tea mugs and go about our day.



When I think of my vocation, it is completely intertwined with every other aspect of my life.  There is no separateness.  There is no buzzer at 5 o'clock to tell me to stop working and go home.  My work is joy manifested and I need no weekends or vacations from joy.

I look at my hands and I understand what I have been called to do, the ways in which I can best Serve.  On paper, I am a teacher but that is only one facet of the whole.  It extends far beyond a classroom.  Perhaps the closest way to describe it would be to say that my vocation is Caretaking.  I feel called to protect and nurture everything and everyone around me.  I do this in working with my students, building relationships with them and letting them know I am genuinely concerned about their success and happiness.  But I want to manifest Caretaking in all other aspects of my life too.  One of my first instincts for how to show love to people is to feed them.  I do this by growing food in my gardens and through the actual act of cooking.  I have also been giving serious thought to someday becoming a midwife or a doula.  Caretaking doesn't stop with people though.  I will volunteer at animal shelters and always have one stray too many hanging around.  And I will practice the Maori concept of kaitiaki in Caretaking for the space around me.  My days will be busy but full of love and lived with intention.

I no longer assume I can do everything on my own and without help.  I dream of community too.  I envision open house potluck dinners once a week.  I see fellowship and small study groups where we challenge one another to expand and deepen our faith.  I see folks sitting on the porch with drums and guitars, making music always.  I see women gathering once a month to bake bread for all of our families and our brothers and sisters who might need it.  I see friends that I can trust with my children and vice versa.

Yes, I see children.  Not for a while yet, but someday.  For now I have 100 students to look after and that is enough.  In the future though, there will be children in my home as well, whether birthed, adopted, or fostered.  I feel I have been given the ability to do this and it wouldn't be right for me to deny that.  Plus I already see them in my dreams.  I know their names, I know their faces.  I know the amazing things they will teach me simply by existing and I am humbled and awed by that knowledge.

Our house is little but full of light.  There are books everywhere and an old piano in the living room that I am too shy to play for anyone except the birds.  The walls are covered with art sent by brothers and sisters from all over the world.  A few pieces are even mine because I have found the courage to paint again.  Simple meals are served on plates I made long ago, and the mugs that held our morning tea?  I made those too.  They fit our hands perfectly.

At the end of the day we are both tired but our hearts are light because we have been following our callings.  You watch from the doorway as I tuck our children into bed, wrapped in the quilts my mother made back when even I was little.  Sure that they are asleep, I smile at you.  I am wearing a dress.  You are the only one who gets to see this part of me.  I take your hand in mine and lead you out of the house, across the field to the lone lightning-scarred oak that grows there in the middle of it all.  We are lightning-scarred too but it's a secret story that we share with no one else.  The moon is full and grinning at us.  We climb the oak's large, low-hanging branches until we are hidden in our own little world.  Your arm is around my waist as you kiss me and it is our first date all over again.

All too soon, we walk quietly back to the house.  You check the children and then join me in bed.  Sleep will come happily and quickly.  Tomorrow is a new day and there are still so many people to love and care for, so much life to be lived.  I fall asleep smiling in the dark, listening to you breathe.  "There are no ordinary moments."



The reality of this is still some time off but it doesn't matter.  Even as I bounce around, moving often and never completely unpacking or getting settled, I know where I will ultimately find myself.  I will know my home and the rest of my heart when I see it, and in that moment I will lay down the rest.  And that is when my journey will really begin.

This is the dream that I carry in my heart.  Always.


What do *you* dream about?

The photo above is one of my favorite pieces of art in all of Gainesville.  I think the lyrics below sum up pretty well anything else I would try to say in this post.  Let's make the most of our little corners of the world.  We can choose to be happy... or not.  If we don't like what we see around us, we have the ability (responsibility?) to try to change it for the better, rather than just pointing and complaining.  What if we all took it upon ourselves to take care of the ground we are standing on, and the folks around us?  How much of a positive change could we produce?

Atmosphere -- Always Coming Back Home to You / Hidden Track

This is for everyone around the planet
That wishes they were from somewhere
Other than where they’re standing
Don’t take it for granted --
Instead take a look around
Quit complaining and build something on that ground
Plant something on that ground
Dance and sleep on that ground
Get on your hands and knees and watch the ants walk around the ground
Make a family, make magic, make a mess
Take the stress, feel your motivation, and build your nest.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

*Tangent alert*  The lines above are from the second "hidden" part of that track but I can't post this song without mentioning the first portion, which are some of my all-time favorite lyrics (though I say this about most of Slug's rhymes).  But really, I think these are some of the most romantic lyrics ever and they wrecked me the first time I heard them:
No matter where I am, no matter what I do
I'm always coming back home to you
They can leave me for dead they can take away my true
I'm always coming back home to you
Through the lies and the sins that ride the wind that blew
I'm always coming back home to you
As sure as the life in the garden that you grew
I'm always coming back home to you
No matter where I am, no matter what I do
I'm always coming back home to you
If only I had known what you already knew
I'm always coming back home to you
From the heaven I've had to the hell I've been through
I'm always coming back home to you
I'm always coming back home to you


mp3 of both parts, because I love you guys

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Back to the main topic though, I would like to get some sort of discussion going about this: What do you see around you that you would like to change or improve?  What are possible solutions/alternatives?  What steps would be necessary?

I believe that if we start with small changes, things will gain steam from there and that we can create lasting results.  One small thing that I want to change has to do with creating a better sense of community around me.  It bothers me if I live somewhere and don't know my neighbors.  I used to have regular open house dinners at my apartment and it really took off -- other neighbors started opening their homes as well and soon everyone knew each other.  I have gotten away from that recently and it's something I really want to bring back into my life.

I don't want to give details or specific locations for fear of jinxing myself, but I will say that my future has gotten a lot clearer in the last few days.  I truly believe that no problem is insurmountable and this is what I love about my brain: it will just keep gnawing on a problem and flipping it around until a solution is worked out.  The solution may sound completely off-the-wall, but it's a solution nonetheless.

Case in point: I now have a destination for my move and can begin packing boxes in earnest.  Rented the truck today.  I've also lined up a summer gig to hold me over until the school year starts.  And at $25/hr, I should be able to start clearing out my little bit of debt even sooner than I thought.  I also get to set my own work schedule which means I can still go on all the roadtrips I had planned (why are all my friends getting pregnant and/or married this summer??) and now even going to Japan seems like a possibility again.  Best of all, I get to keep my original timetable and get myself out of my current less-than-ideal living situation.

So, May 5th I will graduate from college and then load up a truck!  If you want to come move furniture and a washer and dryer, I pay in pizza and beer =)

I am so excited for this next part of my life.  There is possibility everywhere.

Do you remember that night in July, the party in that big old house 20 miles outside of town?  Things start early in the afternoon and everyone remembers to bring their adults-playing-kids attitude.  The grill is going and the drinking has already begun by the time I arrive.  Lots of friends, old and new, and... you.  We don't speak a word to each other that day or night, but we don't have to.  You make the rounds, talking to everyone, but keep coming back my way.  Checking in with light touches that you try to disguise but are too overt for others to not notice.  Our friends don't say anything though, just smile at each other across beer cups and stay out of our way.

The afternoon wears on with games of freeze tag, capture the flag, and hide-n-seek.  You "find" me in an elm tree, climb up, and steal a kiss before departing to continue play.  The water balloon fight is where it gets out of hand.  We team up without discussion and no one gets away as we give chase across the field.  Running with you by my side comes so naturally it is almost scary.  Victory is declared and our prize is a tray of Jell-O shots.

Dinner is eaten inside, sprawled across rugs and couches.  Someone puts on Harold and Maude as we pass the time, waiting for the sun to set and the mosquitos to go home.  You run your fingers through my hair as we laugh at Harold's staged suicides and I lean into you, content.

Tents are set up and the bonfire is blazing.  Folks are seated on logs and in lawnchairs, drinking and laughing.  A few pull out guitars and the girls get up to dance, pulling their reluctant other halves behind them.  I wander back to the house for another drink but don't return to the fire.  I climb up onto the trampoline instead and lie flat, resting my glass on my stomach.  This far from town there is no light pollution and the stars seem closer than normal.  I am quietly naming constellations when I hear the springs of the trampoline squeak.  You slide across to lie next to me and wordlessly take my hand in yours.

We stay like this for hours, just staring at the heavens.  You finish my drink but I don't mind.  The sounds from around the fire have gradually diminished.  People have gone back to the house or into their tents to sleep.  I sit up and jump down to the ground, reaching back for your hand.  You can see the mischief in my eyes as you follow me to the shed.  We steal two bikes and sneak out the sidegate.  The dirt road is lined with trees and might seem eerie if the moon wasn't so bright and full.  The hill is steep and we coast down, faster and faster.  We are alone out here; no one else even exists.  I can't help it -- I stand up on my pedals and howl at the moon, and I can't stop the goosebumps when you lend your voice to mine.

Back at the house, we return to the dying fire.  Standing close in the summer humidity, our skin shines with sweat.  You pick up a piece of charcoal and reach for me.  You start at my shoulders, drawing long bold lines along the lengths of my limbs.  My torso you cover with swirls and circles.  There will be no sleep for either of us tonight.

Sitting on the hood of my car, we are just in time to watch the sun rise over the prairie.  A breeze finally kicks up as we listen to the waking of the world.  The morning's first cranes are already flying overhead.

Do you remember that night?

Yeah, me neither.

My mental processes are a nearly constant dialogue between my head and my heart.  98% of the time, my heart wins out and I think this is how it should be, how life should be lived.  There's a time for practicality but if you bow to it too much, you let a life of passion pass you by.  And I believe that my faith calls for me to make leaps and be a risktaker rather than to live in complacency and safety.  I think it's also a matter of having faith that if I make that leap, I will be caught.  I will stumble from time to time, but I will not be allowed to fall.  This is not to say that I am heedless or impulsive though.  Even while I am making decisions with my heart, my brain is running on overdrive in the background, watching out for me and saying, "Well if you're really going to do this, can we at least think it through and be aware of the possible outcomes?"

This normally works out pretty well but every once in a while (that 2% of the time), my brain decides it wants to be in charge.  The real kicker is that when my brain finally speaks up, it is almost impossible for me to ignore it, no matter how much my heart is yelling.  This was the case last Thursday afternoon when I was in the shower and, out of nowhere, my brain made an announcement that I didn't want to hear.  Yet all I could say was, "Crap.  I guess you're right."  And my heart was very sad.

I am happy to announce though that things have returned to normal.  After a brief four day reign, the brain is no longer in charge.  It has instead been overruled by a much higher power.

Monday night, I quit.  I let go completely.  I flat out gave up.  I just laid in bed and I prayed for the first time in... well, let's call it "a while."  I open my heart up every day but very rarely do I actually ask for anything.  But I prayed and I got honest and I said, "Hi.  I'm lost.  I've got the tools and I'm packed and ready to go and do the things that I know I'm supposed to be doing, but I can't find the map for how to get to where I'm supposed to be."  And then I said those three little words that I really, really hate to say: I need help.

God works fast.  I prayed for a push or a resolution on two specific things, and in less than 12 hours He answered me.  A woman literally walked up to me Tuesday morning, pressed a piece of paper into my hand, and said, "Here.  Talk to this person.  She can help you get to where you need to be."  I unfolded the paper after she walked away and sure enough, there it was.  The answer that I had already known but had been resisting.

Moments like this, I just find myself looking up at the sky, feeling really tiny, and saying "Thank you."

I'm tired.  Tired of watching folks play it "safe."  Tired of the excuses we make to ourselves to justify those decisions.  Deep down though, we know.  We know we're handing control over to Fear, rather than living in Trust.  Rather than living fiercely.

I see it everywhere I look and I have noticed a trend in the excuses.  People seem to cling to this concept of "readyness."  I'm not ready to live, I'm not ready to love, I'm not ready to grow, I'm not ready to pursue my dreams... There's a seductiveness to this excuse because as we say these things we silently add the word "yet."  We tell ourselves that we really will do these things... someday.  When our debt is paid off.  When we have enough vacation days saved up.  When we've put enough distance on the past.  When we've lost 15 pounds.  When we've had a little more training or preparation.  When the stars miraculously move into the proper alignment.  When the rain falls up and the tides flow backwards.  When, when, when.

I am certainly no stranger to this and I feel the need to call myself out on it.  A few years ago, I had the opportunity to spend several weeks on the west coast in an intensive program that I had been interested in for quite a while.  This program offered instruction in several areas that were directly related to my life dream.  Essential knowledge and hands-on training from some of the best folks in these fields.

I didn't go.  I talked myself out of it.  Oh, I rationalized it really well.  I had LOTS of reasons.  It was expensive, it was far away, it would be hard to take time off from work and school... my excuses sounded logical enough.  But I also know that that's not how I live my life -- when I feel a call towards something, "logical" doesn't enter the equation.  I could have made this trip work somehow and come up with the money.  If I had tried.

Instead I let fear take over.  There are lots of kinds of fear.  Fear of getting hurt.  Fear of losing.  Fear of failure.  Fear of success.  Fear of change.  Fear of awakening.  I had just gotten out of a relationship where my "partner" stomped all over the very dreams I would be pursuing if I went on this trip.  I was still hurting and didn't trust enough to think that I could move forward while I was still in the process of healing.  (In hindsight, moving forward and going on that trip might have helped me heal even faster.  But I guess I'll never know.)

Again, this question of "readyness."  To go on that trip, to go be with those people and have those experiences, would be amazing and would change my life for the better -- but I wasn't sure if I was ready (or if I deserved it).  That trip would have launched me into my future and I responded with fear.  I thought to myself, This could be the best thing in the world, but I don't know if I'm ready for my life to change this way.

We've come to view change as something dangerous, something to be regarded with trepidation rather than as a catalyst for growth.  We hide behind "not ready."  We postpone living fully because we are waiting for all of the "right conditions" to fall into place.

What if I never wake up one morning and feel "ready"?  Should I never even try then?  But what if these chances, like that trip, are only going to come my way once?  I would like to believe that I don't have to wait until I am "perfect" before I undertake the journey.  I would like to believe that I can start the journey today and grow into readiness over the course of my travels.

These three things tell me that I need to have more trust:
-I don't need to know whether I am ready -- I need to trust that God knows.  He is going to keep putting things into my life regardless of whether I believe I am ready or not.  I need to trust Him.
-I can spend my whole life in preparation and never feel that I am ready.  There will always be "one more thing" that could make me "more ready."
-I have already come out of many situations in my life and said afterwards, "Wow, I can't believe I did that.  I didn't think I was ready."  Yet I was.  I need to learn from this.

And so I ask myself some questions: What if I overanalyze every decision to the point of inaction?  What if my grandfather dies before I find the words to tell him how much he means to me?  What if I wait so long to fully trust someone that I never get to start a family of my own?

I choose to not wait.  I choose to make the most of opportunities, even the ones that scare me.  I choose to "run the risk."  I choose to live it today, because

Tomorrow isn't promised to any of us.

I have no idea how this possibly could have happened, but somehow I missed the release of a new G. Love album?!?!  I saw something about it a few months ago and then... life happened and it slipped my mind.  Today I remembered though =)  Someday, probably soon, I will have to give you guys the whole "Sara's 'G. Love & Special Sauce' retrospective" but for tonight, here is a performance of "Beautiful" from the newest album, a duet with Tristan Prettyman.  You can see the actual music video here but I kind of like this live one better.  Also, I love love love when folks I love also love each other.  So it made me smile big when I found G's youtube account and saw that he had faved a video by Atmosphere.  I wonder what that mashup would look like....

Well you say I’m crazy cause I can’t make up my mind
But I wont let it faze me instead I'll leave all these thoughts behind 
Cause you say that you got someone who’s wasting your time 
Well that’s alright cause I got someone who’s wasting mine

(Chorus)
It’s in the way you move
Baby what you’re doing to me
I can’t stand it I can’t hold back
Every time I see you get beautiful beautiful
It’s in the way you do, baby what you’re doing to me
The way you shine, strum your chords, the way you're mine
The way you sing your words

It aint my fault I’m falling, cause you got what it takes
Earthquakes couldn’t shake the foundation that we're building off of
You know a long time I waited but I never lose faith 
I meet some one like you yea I’m crazy to leave her babe
Always searching for balance sometimes I choose right or wrong
You know it's just a challenge but Gemini if we try, you and I,
We will find all the time we wasted just gave us time to find each other
Yea, Peanut butter jelly, bread and butter

(Chorus)

No you were never second best, wouldn’t let you settle for less
Aw babe that’s for sure and here you coming down with the confidence now
Cause you had me at first glance, Baby what you’re doing to me
Aw babe that’s for sure and now you give me that feeling feeling feeling
Aw honey your dangerous, baby what you’re doing to me
Aw babe that’s for sure and here you come knocking on my hotel door 
And you bless me never stress me come caress me
Darling like the wind caress the tree 
Tugging on my skirt taking off my shirt
Whatever you’re doing well it seems to work

Yeah, Hold me down... Baby what you’re doing to me
Hold me down... Baby what you’re doing to me...
Feeling... You know you give me that feeling feeling

I am officially dead.  Cause of death?  I broke my neck listening to this:

i am wearing a dress
and i have fucking flowers in my hair.
FLOWERS, people.
if i hear "pretty" or "cute" one more time, i am going to hurt someone.

to quote Mal from Firefly: "this is not my best day ever."

would you believe some of my fellow teachers actually hassle me for being *too* happy?? they give me grief because i am always smiling. (plus i'm that weird girl who is a wiseass and is pierced, tattooed, and does yoga in the teacher's lounge while i'm waiting for all my photocopies to get run off.) but really, why should i not be smiling. I LOVE MY JOB. and how could i not? check out my day yesterday:




for the last month or so, i have been crazy busy planning this huge Shakespeare Festival for the entire 8th grade to participate in. well, yesterday was the day! we really lucked out with some great weather, everyone who was supposed to show up actually did, almost all of my kids came in their costumes, and no one killed each other or was seriously maimed.

we had TONS of stuff for them to do. first we had a huge parade around the entire school, complete with a drummer and trumpeter. after that we had a medieval feast in the cafeteria (which we got catered, for FREE(!), so none of the kids had to pay).

then we turned them loose for the fun stuff -- 2 hours of freewheeling through the little fair we had set up. we had so many things! we had belly dancers, fortune tellers, an executioner, jugglers, sword fighters, tug-o-war, croquet, archery, water balloons, facepainting, tattoo artists, a bagpiper, jousters, Irish dancers, a world champion arm wrestler, an old-fashioned "ale house" (but not really :P)... and probably a bazillion other things i am forgetting.



anyway, it was a lot of fun and went off (mostly) without a hitch. best of all, we raised over a thousand dollars for a charity that provides transitional housing for homeless children. rock.

after we were done with cleanup, there was nothing to do last period. my kids were playing crazy eights and asked me if i wanted to play. instead, i turned dealer and taught them how to play texas hold 'em. i let them play for homework assignments and extra credit for their next test grade.

i am either the best or worst teacher ever.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

and yes, i already had a visit to the principal's office today. (what am i, 6 years old?)
he's new, we just had a complete administration change.

he proceeded to reprimand me for stuff that went on yesterday:
--dress code violations by girls in fairy costumes (spaghetti straps, corsets, etc)
--allowing gambling ("sir, i don't know what you heard, but there was no *money* involved")
--letting kids participate who had in-school suspension (this was a HUGE part of their grade! they can do ISS tomorrow! i am not going to let a kid flunk just because of that!)

but then he told me:
-all your kids love you, and you have some of the toughest kids in this school
-your fellow teachers have nothing but good things to say about you
-"i've only been here two weeks but i have already heard/seen lots of great stuff from you"
-"i had so much fun at the festival and feast yesterday"
-"part of the reason i came here was because of the ***** program, which i just found out you HELPED DESIGN the very first month you were here."

then he slid some papers across the desk, asked if i had seen a teaching contract before, and offered me a job.

which i politely declined (i'm getting out of here, thanks!).

and then i took the rest of the day off.

The End.

the cycle is getting so familiar
that the pain becomes pleasure
in the knowledge of this ripping open;
reconstruction from destruction;
emergence, necessary renewal.
burned down but never burned out.
rising perhaps not with more clarity
(for this is not what is needed)
but always with more faith and trust.

eadem mutata resurgo.

i offer it all up with open hands.
"my life does not belong to me."
 my feet will know the way.

"take this scarf -
 form an unbroken circle."

trying to get back into posting daily gratitudes...

-new paintings by m. make me smile, knowing there are lights like that out there.
-drove slow over the bridge today to watch the boats and people, splashing about.
-phone calls with j. and j. remind me how fortunate i am to have such wonderful friends.
-b's band played the roseland last night and it went off swimmingly, though i wish i could have been there.  grateful for the funny photos i got instead.
-finding renewal in clearing out the old, reorganizing for the journey ahead.
-rethinking my relationships with almost everything/everyone lately.  dropped some bad habits before they could get fully formed.  no room for that here.
-sudden flash of understanding about hands, mine and others, and who gets to bring them together.
-i finally feel like i am growing tall, in more ways than one.
-falling in love with the possibilities i see stretching out before me, but learning to simply enjoy the unfolding, stop rushing what i have no control over anyway.  all i can do is what i can do, and i am already working hard.
-it's been a long year of change for nearly everyone i know; the good news is that the season of emergence is here and we are all coming out of the woods -- scarred, bright, and full of Hope.  we recognize our brothers and sisters by the looks in our eyes.
-reading desert fathers, abba benjamin, "be joyful at all times, pray without ceasing, and give thanks for all things."
-lately, i love everything i touch and i find myself smiling without warning.

i give thanks for You.