Hello, it's been a while and I'm posting this around to livejournal and myspace and whatnot to explain why (but in a very vague way).

A lot has changed in the last few weeks.  The most important thing I've taken away from these changes is that I've stopped trying to make sense of them.

I realize that I am not even in a position to determine whether these changes are good or bad for me, because right now I am too close to them.  The overall impact that these changes will have on my life might not even be apparent for several months or even years.  It's impossible to see how one event can spark a whole chain of events, or to see why people come in and out of our lives when they do.  Things that seem good or bad right now can be viewed in a very different light through that lens called hindsight.  I find this most often happens with what we, at the time, deem "unfortunate events" but later end up leading us to much greater happiness.  On the other hand, things that seem like blessings at the time can end up resulting in sorrow.

Basically, we can't know what the overarching impact of any one event will be in terms of the entire scope of our lives.  One little thing can nudge us onto an entirely new path of existence.   I have seen this both in my own life and in the lives of those around me.  My mom left her last job feeling like she had lost out on something... but her next endeavor proved to be the best yet and has made her far happier than if she had stayed where she was.  My ex-husband ended up joining the military based on a chain of events that began with a car accident and a chance trip to the library.  Recently, a friend has re-entered my life who I have missed greatly.  When our lives diverged, I was very sad but now I see that this time apart was in fact a great thing and our friendship is better for it -- we both had things to go and learn, and we needed to do these things on our own first.

I guess what I'm saying is: I can't see into the future.  I don't know how these things will turn out.  It will be a long time before I can look back and say, "Hey, that actually ended up being a good thing" or "Wow, this is exactly how it needed to work out -- everyone ended up where they were supposed to be."  I just have to have faith that I will indeed end up where I am supposed to be and that, in the meantime, I have a lot of strength to get me through.  And I know where that strength comes from. 

Last night I started reading Richard Preston's The Wild Trees.  It's about the redwoods, the largest trees in the world.  It quiets something in me to read about trees on this continent that are two or three thousand years old.  Scientists haven't drilled into their cores to determine exact ages by counting rings because this wouldn't give them the information they need.  The reason for this is that the trees have grown so massive and expanded outward so much that they are actually hollow at the center.  I wish I could stand in the center of one somehow.  I imagine it must be incredibly peaceful.

I feel like the events of the past few weeks have just stripped away even more layers of the superfluous things I have been working to get rid of.  It kind of hurts, but I feel like I am being scrubbed clean.  I feel a bit like Jilly in Charles de Lint's The Onion Girl -- peeling away, peeling away, and knowing that there is something Good at the core, the heart, the center.  And that maybe, like a redwood, I am also growing upward & outward.

"Maybe these trees can teach us something about ourselves.  Marie and I and you, we're nothing.  We're little snapshots in time, and we'll soon be gone.  This grove has burned in huge fires during the past millennia.  Redwoods don't die if they burn.  A redwood can be burned to a blackened spar, and afterward it goes, 'Wooah,' and just grows back.  Look at Kronos.  It's been hammered.  It's dying.  And it's more beautiful than ever.  These trees can teach us how we can live.  We can be hammered and burned, and we can come back and be more beautiful as we grow."
                        ~Steve Sillett in The Wild Trees.  Photo of Sillett by Richard Preston.

No, I am not writing about a Kanye West song.

What I'm talking about is how disposable marriage has gotten in our society -- and the way that we enter the ring now already preparing to get knocked out and laid flat on our backs.  I find this especially true with people who have already been divorced once and are contemplating whether or not they would ever want to give marriage another chance.  We're cynical and guarded, and with good reason since we've obviously been burned once before.

So how do we look to protect ourselves?  With the pre-nup.  That little piece of paper that says, "I had to rebuild my life once before, so... I love you, honey, but if you decide to split you're not getting half of anything."  Some people applaud us for having such common sense but it just makes me really sad.  I know people who have been married for over a decade, but keep property and cars in separate names "just in case."

Love isn't about safety and security.  If you're going to marry someone, you should be absolutely sure.  If there is enough doubt in your mind that you want a pre-nup, then don't get married yet.  It's that simple.

And personally, I'm willing to gamble.  It's all or nothing, baby.  I'll give you my heart, the keys to the house, all the bank account numbers... and see what happens.  Maybe we'll stay together forever and our lives will be that much better for sharing them with one another.  Or maybe I'll come home one day and the locks will be changed, or you'll have bounced to Minnesota.  It's a risk I'm willing to take.

At the same time though, I'm not looking to get burned again.  I'm walking carefully and being picky about who I spend my time with.  I may or may not get married again but I can tell you one thing -- I am NOT getting divorced again.  If someone is crazy/sane enough to get married to me, they better understand that it's for good.

So for those of us who have burned once before, how can we enter into marriage again with any hope that our new spouses won't skip out on us?  How can we take marriage to a higher and more meaningful level -- where "till death do us part" really means forever -- not just a handful of years, or until one of you finds someone better, or you realize you are fans of rival basketball teams?

Well here's my idea, and I know it's going to sound a little crazy... but in the legal system we can waive lots of our rights.  Our right to speedy trial, our right to remain silent, our right to an attorney.  We can even waive our constitutional rights in certain situations, or have them removed for us.

So what if we waived our right to divorce?  That's the only kind of pre-nup I'm interested in -- two people saying before they even get married that they really and truly are in this for good, and they are so committed to each other and their marriage that they are willing to close up all of the loopholes that would allow them to walk out on each other.  I think this would revolutionize the way we approach marriage.

And at that point, who cares whose name is on the house?

come to the window, look out, and see
the valley turning green in remembrance
of all springs past and to come, the woods
perfecting with immortal patience
the leaves that are the work of all time,
the sycamore whose white limbs shed
the history of a man's life with their old bark,
the river under the morning's breath quivering
like the touched skin of a horse, and you will see
also the shadow cast upon it by fire, the war
that lights its way by burning the earth.

come to your windows, people of the world,
look out at whatever you see wherever you are,
and you will see dancing upon it that shadow.
you will see that your place, wherever it is,
your house, your garden, your shop, your forest, your farm,
bears the shadow of its destruction by war
which is the economy of greed which is plunder
which is the economy of wrath which is fire.
the Lords of War sell the earth to buy fire,
they sell the water and air of life to buy fire.
they are little men grown great by willingness
to drive whatever exists into its perfect absence.
their intention to destroy any place is solidly founded
upon their willingness to destroy every place.

every household of the world is at their mercy,
the households of the farmer and the otter and the owl
are at their mercy. they have no mercy.
having hate, they can have no mercy.
their greed is the hatred of mercy.
their pockets jingle with the small change of the poor.
their power is their willingness to destroy
everything for knowledge which is money
which is power which is victory
which is ashes sown by the wind.

leave your windows and go out, people of the world,
go into the streets, go into the fields, go into the woods
and along the streams. go together, go alone.
say no to the Lords of War which is Money
which is Fire. say no by saying yes
to the air, to the earth, to the trees,
yes to the grasses, to the rivers, to the birds
and the animals and every living thing, yes
to the small houses, yes to the children. Yes.


--from Sabbaths, 2003, Wendell Berry

The Simple Way and the surrounding community needs all the support and help we can muster.  Please check out their website if you can.  They are a really great group of folks, doing important works.  I'm too upset right now to say much more.  So just please -- if you can help, help.  This breaks my heart.
~Sara

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

6/20/07 11:25PM (UPDATED)

This morning, a 7-alarm fire consumed an abandoned warehouse in our Kensington neighborhood in Philadelphia. The Simple Way Community Center at 3200 Potter Street was destroyed as well as at least eight of our neighbors’ homes. Over 100 people were evacuated from their homes, and 400 families are currently without power. Despite this tragedy, we are incredibly thankful to share that all of our community members and every one of our neighbors is safely out of harm’s way.

This fire will forever change the fabric of our community. Eight families are currently homeless, and in many cases have lost their vehicles as well as their homes. One of our neighbors, the Mahaias Family, lost their three cars as well as the equipment one family member uses for her massage therapy business. Teenager Brian Mahaias is devastated not because he has lost his belongings, but because he fears that this fire will force him to move away from this neighborhood that is his family as well as his home.

The Simple Way has lost a community center that was home to our Yes! And… afterschool program, community arts center, and Cottage Printworks t-shirt micro-business as well as to two of our community members. Community members Shane Claiborne and Jesce Walz have lost all of their belongings, Yes!And…’s after school studio and library were ruined, and community member Justin Donner’s Cottage Printworks equipment and t-shirts were destroyed.

We are thankful that we are able to help each other during this time of need, and we will continue to keep your informed about today’s events.

We have established funds to support the families who have lost their homes, the Yes! And… afterschool program, and the Simple Way community.

These funds have been established through a partner organization, EAPE. Tax-deductible donations can be made at http://tonycampolo.org/simpleway_donation.php. Please make sure to designate “TSW-Kensington Families Fund” or “TSW-Rebuilding Fund”.

-The Simple Way Community

I got a job!  Some nice people were silly enough to hire me to teach 7th grade language arts and reading.

This is what we'll be using in place of the Pledge of Allegiance:

Wendell Berry, "Manifesto: Mad Farmer Liberation Front."